In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I would
have a big fight about money approximately once a year. It wasn’t that we were
holding it in for a year, we would have little “discussions” about money often,
but once a year there was a biggie. The first one was the orange juice (part I).
The second big fight was over a pair of jeans that he bought in New York and we
fought about all through Europe. My argument was that he wasted $20 because he bought
the jeans with the intention of getting rid of them in a couple of weeks. His
argument at the time, was that they were only $20.
The challenge was that our value of money scales were so
different: The spender thinks that $5 is nothing and $20 is barely anything.
Whereas the saver, keeps every penny, because it’s one cent closer to a roll of
50 and it all adds up.
Fast forward eight years, we’re driving out to the coast for
our anniversary and I ask my husband to refresh my memory about this long lost
fight. He recaps defensively. I realize that something is still bothering him
about that fight. He doesn’t talk to me for an hour. Fun times. Then after he’s
had time to think back and sort his thoughts, the truth comes out...I wasn't ready for this one.
He goes through all of the details again, along with the
range of emotions that come when you’re angry, and finally lands on the real reason
he’s mad – He thinks I’m a hypocrite! From his perspective, I was ragging on him for
buying the disposable $20 jeans, when I bought a pair of leather boots that
cost $127 (yep, he remembered) and the only time I wore them was on our trip. What
he didn’t know was that when I bought them I planned on wearing them till they
fell apart, but they ended up being horribly uncomfortable and made my toes go
numb.
So, we talked about it for the rest of the ride… We now understand each other’s side of the story. And I’m embracing the fact that I’m a flip
flop/barefoot girl and I accept that no matter how much I spend, the shoes aren’t
going to be comfortable. So, I’m going to stop searching and save our money for
something that we’ll both enjoy.
In short, these are the overarching lessons that we were
reminded of:
- No matter how long we’re together, it’s all about ongoing two-way communication.
- While there may be some yelling, it’s best to talk it through sooner than later.
- Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. On both sides.
- Leah Schonlank
Finance Gym offers personal finance coaching in professionally facilitated peer-advisory groups.
Are you ready to reach your financial goals? Get motivated. Get support. Get results!
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